A Letter to My Sister

Dear Suzie,

You asked why you've not been mentioned in my blog. I hadn't needed to, yet.

After receiving my diagnosis, you were the second person I called; and, I knew you would be there for me -- as always.

You're the one I've always counted on to protect me ... from thunderstorms, dark bedrooms without nightlights, to the anger in our house -- especially the fights between mom and dad. You gave me long stemmed roses for my first ballet recital on pointe, and you bought my first pair contacts (to help rid me of those awful, geeky glasses I had to wear).

You were the middle child, I was the youngest. Yes, I was spoiled.

When you had the opportunity to break free from the family, you took it...and rightfully so. It was during that time that our seven years difference in age seemed liked decades. The Dark Ages of our relationship. The time when I was living at home, believing that you were the bad person in the family ... the cause of all mom's suffering. She was quite the drama queen.

I believed that I had to make choices in my relationships. I "prioritized" everyone by those who could help result in the most comfortable, non-confrontational outcome. Always at the top of the pyramid was "making Mom happy!"

This seemed easy enough ... just give in and give up. But, I now realize how painful and selfish it was. That meant giving up on my relationship with you, plunging us into the Dark Ages.

I'm sorry that I didn't think for myself during that time, but I now know that I was trying to survive in a toxic environment. I was also trying to figure out who I was. I'm ashamed of myself for that.

So, when I called you about my diagnosis, I was stung with the guilt of asking for your help -- fully aware that you'd be there, and fully aware that I was not always there for you.

I know you needed me when Loren was born, when we almost lost you. I didn't step up to the challenge, I failed you, and I can't forgive myself for that.

This letter to you should have been written long before now. Just know that you are the most important person in my life, and that I thank you for being there for me -- and that I don't take you for granted!

Love,
Chele