Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow!

I'm not really sure where to begin...a lot has happened since my last post.

I received the path report from the surgery, a little worse than expected, but still very good (I think). The report showed Stage I, which means it's "real" cancer. Rather than DCIS (which is non-invasive), I have invasive ductal carcinoma, or IDC.

My doctor says I'll probably have to have chemotherapy ... that's been a very difficult fact to accept.

But, of course, I'm in the waiting-period, again! My appointment isn't until next Wednesday, and I'm feverishly searching the Internet for any answers I might find. I know I won't, I only find more frightening or confusing information. I might as well be going to the "psychic hot line!"

I've spent my morning trying on hats and scarves to determine if I'm going to be the lady with the wig, hat, or scarf. Nothing looks good, and it just makes me more depressed.

Will they recommend chemotherapy or not ... if so, I will lose my hair...but what else will it do to me? I'm not prepared for set-backs, I don't want to slow down, and I don't want to get fatigued and depressed.

I awoke from a dream last night, crying and sobbing. Although the dream wasn't about losing my hair, it was very symbolic of loss. I dreamt that Frank had signed on to play baseball for the Texas Rangers and was going to leave without telling me. When I confronted him, under a freeway bridge, he just said that it was something he had to do and needed to do alone. I was just left standing their sobbing...

I'm not a person who knows how to interpret dreams, but according to the Dreams Dictionary: Abandonment symbolizes that I will live a long life, leaving behind an old self...release from old self; Baseball symbolizes future prosperity; Frank (the Husband) symbolizes partnership and commitment; Bridges symbolize overcoming problems/connectedness; and, Crying symbolizes emotional wellness.

WOW...I'm was thinking that it represented the fear of loss and feelings of being alone with this disease. And, not just the worry about losing my hair, but the fear of losing of a part of me and losing control.

Yes, I was down today...and missed out on a beautiful Friday! After interpreting my dream, I'm feeling much better! I think it's time for me to play-in-the-mud and do some pottery. It's my activity that requires concentration and centerness; if not, everything falls apart. That is so very much like my thoughts about my cancer. If I don't concentrate on the now, everything in my life could fall apart. I suppose in that sense, I do have control. It's just understanding what I can and can't control.

Namaste,
Chele