Today's entry is just a stream of consciousness about things that have happened to me of a spiritual nature. As they occurred I thought nothing of them, but in retrospect, they indicated those "spiritual matters that have an untold influence on me."
My father passed away in November 1993, therefore, I find fall a very sentimental time. He suffered from a stroke and lived in a world beyond words for several months. It was then that I realized that the time had come for a new phase in our relationship and that I could communicate with him without words.
He always gave great hugs, and passed along that passion for hugging to me. He was a tall, lanky man, and when he hugged me I truly felt safe. My father passed away in the early morning hours, alone in his room at the nursing home. I will forever regret that I didn't stay the night with him, but somehow he was hanging on until until we left. That night, during that moment between not really sleeping but not fully awake, I felt one of his comforting hugs one last time.
Since his passing, and during particularly difficult times, he continues to speak to me and reassures me about life and life's outcomes.
My father worked for the United States Post Office as a letter carrier for 30 years, and believed in sending letters! I'm thankful that he passed before e-mail technology, as I he would have embraced it and I would have missed out the connection I have with him through his handwriting. He was old school, always wrote with a fountain pen, and had beautiful handwriting.
Frank and I moved to Wisconsin for a 2-year job transfer stint in 1990. During that time my father faithfully wrote letters to me practically every week ... a note, clippings from the Topeka Capital Journal, church bulletins, and always with a handwritten note.
I didn't realize I'd saved them, but during a particularly challenging (and rainy)period several months ago, I had to move some old boxes in the basement which had been saturated by leaks. In typical fashion, Frank and I argued over the situation and I was ready to chuck them all 'sight-unseen!' Most of these boxes, I thought, had been around forever (from Topeka to Milwaukee; Milwaukee to Lawrence; and Lawrence to Kansas City) without even being opened! In addition, we've accumulated boxes from when Frank's parents passed. I was p*ssed! "We have all of this clutter, and we can't get rid of it because there might be something there in there we'll need!!!!
Going through one particularly saturated box brought tears to my eyes. Near the bottom was a stack of letters tied together with a ribbon ... they were letters from my father! I began to cry at just the site of his graceful handwriting. As I stopped to go through them, I felt the rush of emotion and memories flood over me. That's when I came across the one that stopped my heart!
April 30, 1990: Dear dogs, cats & people: Everyone asks about you guys -- it
really makes church start a little late. Mom won't write because she won't have
anything to say on the phone. Ha! Ha! Santa Fe laid off 52 more employees
(mostly management). Wish all these big employers would need help and couldn't
get any. Take care, you guys, and let the good times roll! Love, Mom & Dad.
Not a particularly insightful letter, but it was the ending that got me! At the time this letter was written, he was going through physical challenges and shortly thereafter he was diagnosed with carotid artery blockage . His stroke resulted from the surgery to eliminate the blockage.
After reading the note, I realized the strength of my father's love for me. He was going through some frightening personal health challenges but could still write to me (without complaining) and leave me with his profound advice, "let the good times roll!"
After I received my breast cancer diagnosis, I was in the basement and became distracted by a box that looked like it was about to topple over. Rather than just moving the box, I decided to go through it, as it was marked, "Michele's Memorabilia." As I pawed through old cards from my 18th birthday, and other miscellaneous stuff, I found a letter from my father. This one was sent in 1980, it was simply a cartoon he thought I'd like. But, on the back of the envelope, was a big red sticker with white reverse type, "HANDLE WITH CARE."
You're right, Dad, I do need handle myself with care. I also know that you're right there with me with those big loving hugs and supportive words to keep me going. While I do expect to see you again, I hope you don't mind that I want to put that off for several more decades! I know you understand and want the same for me, too!
Thank you, Dad, for everything! And, many blessings on your soul!
Namaste,
Chele
No comments:
Post a Comment