A Pause from My Cancer (Menopause, That Is) ... "a walk down mammary lane"

As I mentioned before, I hadn’t had a mammogram since 1999. I've spent the greater part of those 7 years (15 to be exact) working on my "head." I religiously see my shrink and therapist, take my meds for emotional ups and downs, and try to quell my nagging, age-old question, "what's wrong with me?"

I "turned" 50 in 2006 (sounds like spoiled food, doesn't it?). I’ve "gone through" menopause (finished it up about 2 years ago--check that one off the list of major life accomplishments!) And, that's what I'd like to address today.

Webster's online dictionary defines it as follows:
"Menopause Noun 1. The time in a woman's life in which the menstrual cycle ends.

Etymology: Menopause \Men"o*pause\, noun. [Greek expression month to cause to cease. See Menses.]

Do a Google Search for it, and you find 12,400,000 results!

Look through the Wikipedia information and you're ready to off yourself!

However, now that I'm "through it," I narrow my searches to "Post Menopause." I'm happy to report there are only 2,740,000 results from that Google Search!

Here you'll find sites that ballyhoo the "the joys of post-menopause!" According to one site, "No more hot flashes, no more Kotex or Tampax, no more worry about pregnancy ... most women find their voice and have no qualms about raising it!" And, apparently, I'm "entering my second act!" Yikes! I really didn't spend that much time on my first act ... and, are you telling me my life is only a 2-act play? I should have spent more time auditioning for the actors!

Anyway, it goes on to tell me that I can spend more time on myself, go back to school, pick up a paint brush for the first time (obviously not referring to the one I currently use on the house and garage!), or try a musical instrument (like, "one time at band camp?"). Many of the examples site women who have resigned from high-level jobs to open a speciality cafes that sell organic coffee and green tea; others enrolled in a theology school to "satisfy their spiritual quest;" and, still others pack up their husbands and begin treks through Europe!

"Post-menopausal women are not going to be invisible anymore!" Damn, I was really looking forward to that invisibility thing...kind of like Harry Potter's invisibility cloak -- way cool! After reading one of the questions in the FAQ section, "How do I prevent growing facial hear in menopause?," I'm thinking I really want to be invisible!

So, I've been waiting for those wonderful moments of inspiration and insight, the wild abandon of not worrying about getting pregnant (but you still have to have sex to get pregnant, right?), writing my first novel, painting, meditating, practicing yoga and Tai Chi, spending time at an ashram; all-in-all, attaining enlightenment.

Looking back through my life, I realize that most of those highly anticipated “firsts” just didn’t measure up to the hype of the expectation. It seems like only yesterday that I was anticipating my first period. After seeing "the movie" in my 5th grade year and receiving my little book entitled, "Growing up and liking it!" (including the promise on the very first page that, "The fun is just beginning!" -- followed by photo after photo of young women dancing, shopping, cheering at football games, going to proms, chatting with their girlfriends, playing at the beach, playing volleyball....because, the FUN NEVER ENDS when you start your period!), I thought "WOW, lay it on me...I want to start this menstruation thing!"

That was in 1966 -- I didn't start until 1971 (the beginning of my quest to find out, "what's wrong with me?"). Needless to say, my experience didn't quite measure up to the girls in the photos of my "book." I had horrible acne, constant worries that I'd start my period during at school and not realize it ... only to be object of laughter and ridicule as I walked down the hall unaware that I had this huge blood stain on my skirt! I stopped wearing white, and always carried a sweater to wrap around my waist ... just in case!

Because I loved to swim, I battled my mother (and my body) over the use of tampons. Between worrying about my mother's warnings that they would (at the low end of the "Lola Worry Chart") at least cause cancer and above all else "break my hymen," and the fact that I couldn't never get the damned thing in place properly ... I hated my "new little monthly friend!" I felt cheated out of the experiences of life that I enjoyed before "Growing up and liking it!"

And, where were those wonderful breasts I was supposed to start sprouting? I actually stuffed Kleenexes in my bra (removing them from the box, of course). Although this didn't help my figure, it did come in handy during the cold and flu season!

Needless to say, I've not felt that wonderful joy that comes with saying "au revoir" to my menses. I've felt old, dumpy, lumpy and tired. I've put on over 100# since my "first period," experienced watching the painful illnesses and deaths of parents, close relatives and friends. I can't seem to get out of debt and release myself from the constant fear of job and benefit losses. My mother is currently in a nursing home with severe dementia, and I'm struggling with unresolved issues in our relationship. As a result of weight gain, menopause and anti-depressants, sex is a distant memory. To top it all off, I'm a perfectionist and never feel that I'm doing "enough."

But, I’m always the optimist (please don't laugh ... truly, I am!). I've had the good fortune of working with an organization called, "Unity." This non-profit organization is based on affirmative prayer and positive thinking. I've learned so much about "letting go, and letting God." I emphasize "learned," because until my cancer diagnosis, I hadn't really experienced it.

I offer a link to, "The Daily Word," an inspirational word and affirmation for each day. We also have over 80 years of archived affirmations and messages on their website. This has truly been a God-send as I struggled through the waiting and worrying since my diagnosis.

I've also found other sites of great help for information and inspiration (all listed on my blog page). A couple of my new favorites:

For good scientific information checkout The Discovery Channel Health website.

For post-menopausal inspiration, go to the article entitled, "Aging 20-40-60 Rule") on
Shirley MacLaine's website.

So, I've realized that all the worries that I had before my cancer diagnosis really don't amount to that much. When faced with a situation that's outcome I know is totally out of my control, each day I live the practice of "Let Go, and Let God!"

Today is a beautiful late summer day, and I thank God for it, and for everything I experience. I thank God for all of the experiences of my life, because I've learned not to question, "Why me...or what's wrong with me?" -- but, "What am I to learn from this experience?"

It's a much better way to experience life!

Namaste,
Chele